So Over It!

Out of my skin

2008-10-21T22:48:00.003+11:00

Ok so, I don't know about anyone else...........but right now- all I want to do is peel my skin off my body and step away. Get out of my head, my body, my life. I'm just so fricken tired all the time. I just want something good, something to make everything else not seem so...................I dunno- my life:( I'm not really sure how to fix it, any suggestions?? Hmm- didn't think so!

It doesn't really matter who I try to explain it to, or how I try to explain it.........it doesn't really make sense. I guess it's just selfish of me to want more. I imagined my life to have a little more meaning than this. If I fall off the face of the earth- not many people would even notice- let alone give a shit.

So for now.........I'll soul search for what the hell I can do to claw out of this shit- maybe! Right-o- I'm still stuck..................

Bad Blogger, bad blogger!

2008-10-06T14:06:00.002+11:00

I know, I know- I haven't posted for the longest time- but I figure....no-one actually reads this, so does it really matter!?!

I think not! So now lemme think! Not much as happened since my last post, nothing has changed, same old, same old!

Hang on a sec...that's not entirely true! Now since I last posted, I lost the only job I felt like I was any good at....because I couldn't handle working full time with 3 little kids to try and raise. It was so sad- I just cried and cried for days....I felt a bit the same as when my marriage ended......worthless and discarded.

So i did a little temp work for DHS....that's over now...so I'm now back at square 1:( I guess the whole thing wouldn't be sooo bad- if i new what i wanted to do with my life........

All I ever wanted to do was get married and be a mum, so at this point I'm 0/2- I'm not married, and I'm not going so great on the mumma front either:( The kids are all well, fed and watered, and clean.....but there isn't so much of the fun and the laughter around here these days. So I thought what might be fun and spread a little smile on the faces of my angels- would be to take them camping in the school holidays. Who's bright idea was that?? Buddha had a mild case of hand, foot and mouth disease so he and I were bound to the tent almost:( Tootsie and Pickle were really good about it, but at 7 and 5 they didn't really understand, and then to make me feel a little more like shit- I felt like a total intruder and a burden on everyone we went with. This year we all decided that we would fend for ourselves.......only I felt like it was myself and my kids on our own. Everyone else seemed to do things together- and we were just left to our own devices.......not so easy when the big kids want to go do something and Buddha is still contagious- so we technically we shouldn't have gone in the first place. Which if I had it to do over again- that's exactly what I'd do...............not go. All I really wanted to do while we were there was put a candle in a cupcake for my beautiful baby boy.......he turned 2 the day before we left, and I wanted to throw him a little party while we were camping. No-one could be bothered hanging around for him to blow out a candle- so i sat him down with a cupcake and sang happy birthday to him all by myself. A pattern I'm seeing more and more these days:( I didn't really have time to get any decent photos while we were there....I was too busy running pretty much the whole time and the few times I did get to sit a while and have a chat everyone else had other things to do.

So while we were there I made a promise to myself...I would never intrude or burden these people again- I guess at the end of the day....it's just me and my babies, all alone:(

So as I put on my brave face, and make out that everything is ok...I will be here in my own little world- just waiting for the day I don't have to wake up again.

Ciao Bella

I'll be ok?

2008-04-15T20:47:00.003+10:00

So..............it's been a while- but here we are!! I haven't really been myself for the past 5 months or so. I guess depression- (or whatever the hell it is) will do that to you! So the meds i was on were making me a little more unstable than if I don't take them..............go figure- the crazy pills made me crazy!?! I don't have a whole lot of confidence in the medical community at the best of times......but seriously- who produces the crap that makes you worse than you were to begin with???? So- now I'm doing things my way for a bit.............and to be honest- I feel better at the moment than I have for a long time.

So my beautiful babies are doing ok. Tootsie is going great guns at school...stressing about her ballet exams, and trying to be very cool when she talks about the boys she has a crush on at school!!!(it's sooooooo cute!!) Pickle is georgous- he is starting a new kinder next week....the kind that you still take fruit for everyone to share, and the parents are invited to come in and help when they can!! He also started indoor soccer last week........OMG- it was the cutest thing ever!!! He actually kicked a goal.............for the other team!! And my beautiful baby Buddha- he still melts me every time he looks at me.............those huge brown eyes- WOW!! He is the child that is going to send me broke........with dr's bills(he falls from the things he climbs- constantly) and if he doesn't send me broke- he'll send me to the looney bin!!! Hang on there's a knock at the door now- it may just be the men in white coats!!!

I still haven't heard if you can have more than one soul mate- and if you kids could be you soul mate/s or not.............but I truely believe they're mine.

I have so much crap that I want to say..........but I'm not sure where to start. So I'll think on that and sort some shit in my own head- before I post it here. I gess I just wanted to start the ball rolling on here for me again.........even though no-one reads it....it's kinda cool to get it out of my head. 'Cos lets face it- if you keep burdening you friends- soon........you won't have any.

I'll be ok?? One day.......

Ciao Bella.

Ral xoxo

Don't quite know..........

2008-01-26T23:28:00.000+11:00

Mother of the Friggen Year????

2007-08-30T20:59:00.000+10:00

So, if any one's reading this..........you must be really bored- or perhaps you need something to help you sleep!!! Anyway, to any person reading this entry, please break out the tiara polish, mine's looking dull......and let's face it the mother of the year needs to be sparkly and shiny. My pickle does karate, as well as any other 4 year old can, (it's sooooo cute!!!:)) Now that I've had to go back to work I couldn't take him at his regular time. No biggy.....we'll just go at night instead. So we get Buddha out of bed, drag Tootsie, (who's been on the couch ALL day with a mild case of gastro) and get in the car. "Never mind guys, we'll be there soon and we'll figure out tea after karate."

Now Buddha is pissed that we woke him, Tootsie just wants to be at home, and Pickle looks totally gorgeous in his gi, we race in the door, pacifying the other 2, Pickle just runs to get there- because he missed the last 2 weeks:( Then it happens..........his Sanpai says to us..."oohhh, you're really late, we're just about to finish"..........:...(

I'm so sorry Pickle.....he manages to squeeze in a quick game of ninja ninja turtles....(duck duck goose in our day!!!). He's tyring to be happy with that, but it's so not good enough. My brain doesn't work like it used to and like I wish it would again. I don't know how to fix it....and this is not the first time my kids have missed out because I'm brain dead, it happens alot.......I don't like it- at all. :( So anyone with spare polish- polish that tiara.......I'm the Mother of the Friggen Year????

Ciao Bella

Ral....xoxo

Get over it....

2007-08-22T22:07:00.000+10:00

So here we are again!!! Just me and all the many, many thoughts running through my head at a million times a minute. Sometimes I really would love to be able to switch off my head......my brain manages to switch itself off frequently!?! Being on my own usually doesn't bother me.....until, there's something I want to share with someone, or there's stuff with the kids I need to get off my chest, and sometimes I just want someone to give me a huge cuddle, tell me they love me and that everything is going to be OK. I've never enjoyed being by myself, I get sick of my own company.......so right about now, I'm clean shit out of luck. So I guess like every other day, I'll put my happy face on, and pretend that Mary actually did me a favour by leaving..........maybe it wasn't that bad......let's face it- it worked for Will and Grace!?!? Never mind........I'll get over it, one day.

Ciao bella

Ral...xo

I don't know.........

2007-08-16T21:41:00.000+10:00

I don't know when it happened........or how. Everything was plodding along great..well fine, and then all of a sudden- there's that gaping big hole. The one that makes you feel completely hollow inside, like you just go through the motions- but there's nothing there. Once upon a time I was a happy, bubbly fun person to be around. Not now. When did everything go wrong? I kind of just want to go to bed and never wake up- I hate this feeling............I feel dead on the inside. I don't remember the last time I genuinely laughed......not just pretended because everyone else was. I don't remember the last time I was glad to be me. I don't know how to fix it.......or if I can even be bothered. I doesn't matter, I'm so over it.

Ciao bella.

Ral...xo

How????

2007-08-08T22:13:00.000+10:00

How do you tell someone so close to you that everything will be OK, and that things aren't as bad as they seem..............when they aren't in the head space to hear it? On any given day, if there is any time I'm not feeling like me, flat, empty, alone............I turn directly to my bestie. She makes everything seem better, every time, no matter what. I'm feeling like I've let her down at the moment, because that's how she feels and I didn't pick up on it. I noticed she was more quiet than normal, I just didn't know the extent of what she was truly feeling. Sorry darlin.

I suppose sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own crap, we don't see the ones closest to us hurting. I guess too, she is good at hiding stuff like that, but I'm one of the few people that still should pick up on it........she is the other half of me after all. How can I make her believe how fabulous she is, how much she is appreciated, loved, wanted and needed. Not just by her own family, but mine too. Without her, I don't think I would have made it through the last 12 months- my own personal hell, and she's been there through all of it! Honestly though, I'm in such debt to her for what she's done for us, not just emotionally.

I guess part of the best friends job, is to shut up and listen, cuddle a whole lot and make sure the supply of chocolate never runs out??? When all else fails, ice cream and The Notebook on DVD, (with a box of tissues, of course!) might help just a little. Maybe I'm clutching at straws right now, but I'll give anything a go. I have to help the most important person in my life weather this storm, she needs an umbrella- that's what I'll be............for as long as it takes.

Ciao bella,

Ral....xo

We made it!!!

2007-08-06T00:53:00.001+10:00

Well hi there everyone!! Please excuse me......I'm a blogger virgin!! We'll get there, it just might take a while!?! So, my story goes a little like this..........

I was married for 8 1/2 years, to my first love. We were together 13 years and had 2 fabulous kids with another one the way. Then, at 8 months pregnant, he tells me, he's gay. That was just 2 days short of 12 months ago. So there I was, 29, pregnant with my third baby, and single............HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND?? Hindsight is such a beautiful thing, because when I think about it, there were signs all along the way, I guess I just chose not to see them.

So now, I'm 30............still single, and a mummy to 3 of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. They're incredible kids and I'm blessed everyday by their presence. Today however, was one of those days!! You know the ones........when you wished you'd never got out of bed! So now, while the house is still, I creep into the rooms where my angels are sleeping, kiss them all and tell them I love them (-to infinity and beyond). At this point I reflect on our day and sit here stunned that we made it!

Now, there's Tootsie, 6. Pickle, 4 and Buddha 10 months. My angels, my glue, my teachers, my best friends, my soul mates. Without these little cherubs, I would've fallen to pieces a long time ago. I didn't think I was asking too much out of life, all I ever wanted was someone to love, who loves me back, and to be a mum. Maybe I'm just not supposed to have both? The enveloping feelings of loneliness, emptiness and fear I have are hard to shake sometimes. I don't know how it fix it and make it go away, but at the moment, all I want to do is crawl into bed, and never come out. I'm ready to share my life with someone again. I want someone just for me, to cuddle with at the end of the day, to laugh with, to love me-(and my kids). I never thought my life would've unfolded the way it has, but sometimes we can't control our destiny. I believe that this world has bigger plans for me and my babies...............I guess I just need to be patient. Unfortunately, not my best quality.

Life's one hell of a ride, but the trick I've discovered, you just have to put your hands in the air on the way down- it just makes it more fun!!! I worry that I'm not good enough for my kids, they're so amazing- I'm afraid I'll get it wrong. I get really overwhelmed sometimes at the enormity of my responsibilities. It scares me to bits because I'm doing it all on my own. If I do get it wrong, there is no-one else to share the blame with. That sounds really selfish, but it takes 2 people to create a baby, because it takes 2 people to raise them. They don't deserve to have their world completely shattered right before their eyes, I'll never forgive him for that.

Fortunately for me though, I have the best best friend in the whole universe!! Without my bestie and her husband- I don't think I would be here today. They are the most amazing people, they are the one's who are there first, last and every time we need them. They scoop me up when I fall, they wipe my tears when I cry and they cuddle me when I'm sad. It's incredible to me that, this couple, who have 3 kids of their own, I've been so lucky in my life, not only to have found her, but her husband too- he is one of the best friends I've ever had. She is the other half of me, and I think she's completely amazing.

I am going back to work tomorrow?!? The first job I've had in 7 years....yep, you could say I'm a little nervous. Only because I haven't worked for so long, I hope I can get it together quickly. My boss has worked so long and hard to get the business to where it is, I don't want to let him down. I don't want to let my kids down either, I'm kinda over the whole not being able to provide for them properly. I hate it, particularly when they worry about the things that a 6 and 4 year old shouldn't even be thinking about.

So then there's the ex.......(Mary):), possibly the most selfish jerk I know, regardless of how I feel about him. He resigned from his full-time stable position to take on a casual position, because he's going back to uni next year. That I don't have a problem with- everyone is entitled to futher their studies. However, he has a responsibility to my kids, why should they have to miss out on things because he can't be bothered working 48 hrs a week? Then, to put the icing on the cake, he's moving back in with his parents, he actually had the guts to sit in my house and whinge to me about how hard it is for him financially, hence the move. >:(

I find it infuriating that when the road gets rough, he jumps out and lands on his feet, every time. I'd love to have a little bit of good luck, good timing, or good fortune........just once.

So here's cheers to making it through another day, the best we could!!!!

Ciao bella!

Ral...xo.