I know, I know- I haven't posted for the longest time- but I figure....no-one actually reads this, so does it really matter!?!
I think not! So now lemme think! Not much as happened since my last post, nothing has changed, same old, same old!
Hang on a sec...that's not entirely true! Now since I last posted, I lost the only job I felt like I was any good at....because I couldn't handle working full time with 3 little kids to try and raise. It was so sad- I just cried and cried for days....I felt a bit the same as when my marriage ended......worthless and discarded.
So i did a little temp work for DHS....that's over now...so I'm now back at square 1:( I guess the whole thing wouldn't be sooo bad- if i new what i wanted to do with my life........
All I ever wanted to do was get married and be a mum, so at this point I'm 0/2- I'm not married, and I'm not going so great on the mumma front either:( The kids are all well, fed and watered, and clean.....but there isn't so much of the fun and the laughter around here these days. So I thought what might be fun and spread a little smile on the faces of my angels- would be to take them camping in the school holidays. Who's bright idea was that?? Buddha had a mild case of hand, foot and mouth disease so he and I were bound to the tent almost:( Tootsie and Pickle were really good about it, but at 7 and 5 they didn't really understand, and then to make me feel a little more like shit- I felt like a total intruder and a burden on everyone we went with. This year we all decided that we would fend for ourselves.......only I felt like it was myself and my kids on our own. Everyone else seemed to do things together- and we were just left to our own devices.......not so easy when the big kids want to go do something and Buddha is still contagious- so we technically we shouldn't have gone in the first place. Which if I had it to do over again- that's exactly what I'd do...............not go. All I really wanted to do while we were there was put a candle in a cupcake for my beautiful baby boy.......he turned 2 the day before we left, and I wanted to throw him a little party while we were camping. No-one could be bothered hanging around for him to blow out a candle- so i sat him down with a cupcake and sang happy birthday to him all by myself. A pattern I'm seeing more and more these days:( I didn't really have time to get any decent photos while we were there....I was too busy running pretty much the whole time and the few times I did get to sit a while and have a chat everyone else had other things to do.
So while we were there I made a promise to myself...I would never intrude or burden these people again- I guess at the end of the day....it's just me and my babies, all alone:(
So as I put on my brave face, and make out that everything is ok...I will be here in my own little world- just waiting for the day I don't have to wake up again.
Ciao Bella
