We made it!!!

Well hi there everyone!! Please excuse me......I'm a blogger virgin!! We'll get there, it just might take a while!?! So, my story goes a little like this..........

I was married for 8 1/2 years, to my first love. We were together 13 years and had 2 fabulous kids with another one the way. Then, at 8 months pregnant, he tells me, he's gay. That was just 2 days short of 12 months ago. So there I was, 29, pregnant with my third baby, and single............HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND?? Hindsight is such a beautiful thing, because when I think about it, there were signs all along the way, I guess I just chose not to see them.

So now, I'm 30............still single, and a mummy to 3 of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. They're incredible kids and I'm blessed everyday by their presence. Today however, was one of those days!! You know the ones........when you wished you'd never got out of bed! So now, while the house is still, I creep into the rooms where my angels are sleeping, kiss them all and tell them I love them (-to infinity and beyond). At this point I reflect on our day and sit here stunned that we made it!

Now, there's Tootsie, 6. Pickle, 4 and Buddha 10 months. My angels, my glue, my teachers, my best friends, my soul mates. Without these little cherubs, I would've fallen to pieces a long time ago. I didn't think I was asking too much out of life, all I ever wanted was someone to love, who loves me back, and to be a mum. Maybe I'm just not supposed to have both? The enveloping feelings of loneliness, emptiness and fear I have are hard to shake sometimes. I don't know how it fix it and make it go away, but at the moment, all I want to do is crawl into bed, and never come out. I'm ready to share my life with someone again. I want someone just for me, to cuddle with at the end of the day, to laugh with, to love me-(and my kids). I never thought my life would've unfolded the way it has, but sometimes we can't control our destiny. I believe that this world has bigger plans for me and my babies...............I guess I just need to be patient. Unfortunately, not my best quality.

Life's one hell of a ride, but the trick I've discovered, you just have to put your hands in the air on the way down- it just makes it more fun!!! I worry that I'm not good enough for my kids, they're so amazing- I'm afraid I'll get it wrong. I get really overwhelmed sometimes at the enormity of my responsibilities. It scares me to bits because I'm doing it all on my own. If I do get it wrong, there is no-one else to share the blame with. That sounds really selfish, but it takes 2 people to create a baby, because it takes 2 people to raise them. They don't deserve to have their world completely shattered right before their eyes, I'll never forgive him for that.

Fortunately for me though, I have the best best friend in the whole universe!! Without my bestie and her husband- I don't think I would be here today. They are the most amazing people, they are the one's who are there first, last and every time we need them. They scoop me up when I fall, they wipe my tears when I cry and they cuddle me when I'm sad. It's incredible to me that, this couple, who have 3 kids of their own, I've been so lucky in my life, not only to have found her, but her husband too- he is one of the best friends I've ever had. She is the other half of me, and I think she's completely amazing.

I am going back to work tomorrow?!? The first job I've had in 7 years....yep, you could say I'm a little nervous. Only because I haven't worked for so long, I hope I can get it together quickly. My boss has worked so long and hard to get the business to where it is, I don't want to let him down. I don't want to let my kids down either, I'm kinda over the whole not being able to provide for them properly. I hate it, particularly when they worry about the things that a 6 and 4 year old shouldn't even be thinking about.

So then there's the ex.......(Mary):), possibly the most selfish jerk I know, regardless of how I feel about him. He resigned from his full-time stable position to take on a casual position, because he's going back to uni next year. That I don't have a problem with- everyone is entitled to futher their studies. However, he has a responsibility to my kids, why should they have to miss out on things because he can't be bothered working 48 hrs a week? Then, to put the icing on the cake, he's moving back in with his parents, he actually had the guts to sit in my house and whinge to me about how hard it is for him financially, hence the move. >:(

I find it infuriating that when the road gets rough, he jumps out and lands on his feet, every time. I'd love to have a little bit of good luck, good timing, or good fortune........just once.

So here's cheers to making it through another day, the best we could!!!!

Ciao bella!

Ral...xo.